Unwritten Cultural Laws of a Kindergarten Classroom

1. Everything is a state of emergency. Everything.

2. If your daily helper responsibility is door opener or line leader, do all that you can to fulfill your duties, including pushing and hitting others so that they do not try to usurp your responsibility.

3. Narrate your life to your teacher. It’s a well-known fact that teachers want — nay, need -- to be informed of your every action at all times. Once you complete a task, such as putting the purple crayon back into your box, you must notify the teacher.

4. Your teacher is the final arbiter in any dispute within the classroom. If you know the jumbo-sized pencil is yours and your best friend who found it doesn’t know, tell your teacher first before you let your best friend know that it’s yours.

5. To avoid bladder infections, go to the bathroom at least ten times a day.

6. If your pencil is sharpened, it probably needs to be sharpened.

7. If your best friend’s pencil is sharpened, your pencil probably needs to be sharpened.

8. Screaming burns calories, and our teachers want us to be healthy.

9. If you see any grown-up in your school that even looks remotely like a teacher (key characteristics including but not limited to female, black pants, frenetic gait), you have the right to hug that person.

10. Your teacher needs to know that you love her. Hug her at least 20 times a day. If you haven’t met your quota for hugs and you remember you need to give her hugs, do so immediately. Your teacher won’t mind if it’s in the middle of the math lesson or during story time.