with fasting I gladden my hope in You, my Lord

I read this on Molly Sabourin's blog and was encouraged by this beautiful reflection on fasting.
 

XLI 

 With fasting I gladden my hope in You, my Lord, Who are to come again.

 Fasting hastens my preparation for Your coming, the sole expectation of my days and nights.

 Fasting makes my body thinner, so that what remains can more easily shine with the spirit.

 While waiting for You, I wish neither to nourish myself with blood nor to take life--so that the animals may sense the joy of my expectation.

 But truly, abstaining from food will not save me. Even if I were to eat only the sand from the lake, You would not come to me, unless the fasting penetrated deeper into my soul.

 I have come to know through my prayer, that bodily fasting is more a symbol of true fasting, very beneficial for someone who has only just begun to hope in You, and nevertheless very difficult for someone who merely practices it.

 Therefore I have brought fasting into my soul to purge her of many impudent fiancé's and to prepare her for You like a virgin.

 And I have brought fasting into my mind, to expel from it all daydreams about worldly matters and to demolish all the air castles, fabricated from those daydreams.

 I have brought fasting into my mind, so that it might jettison the world and prepare to receive Your Wisdom.

 And I have brought fasting into my heart, so that by means of it my heart might quell all passions and worldly selfishness.

 I have brought fasting into my heart, so that heavenly peace might ineffably reign over my heart, when Your stormy Spirit encounters it.

 I prescribe fasting for my tongue, to break itself of the habit of idle chatter and to speak reservedly only those words that clear the way for You to come.

 And I have imposed fasting on my worries so that it may blow them all away before itself like the wind that blows away the mist, lest they stand like dense fog between me and You, and lest they turn my gaze back to the world.

 And fasting has brought into my soul tranquility in the face of uncreated and created realms, and humility towards men and creatures. And it has instilled in me courage, the likes of which I never knew when I was armed with every sort of worldly weapon.

 What was my hope before I began to fast except merely another story told by others, which passed from mouth to mouth?

 The story told by others about salvation through prayer and fasting became my own.

 False fasting accompanies false hope, just as no fasting accompanies hopelessness.

 But just as a wheel follows behind a wheel, so true fasting follows true hope.

Help me to fast joyfully and to hope joyously, for You, my Most Joyful Feast, are drawing near to me with Your radiant smile.

can't no preacher man save my soul

My good friend Courtney, whom I am so jealous of as she is studying Victorian literature in Aberdeen, Scotland, introduced me to the band The Civil Wars. I'm loving their album Barton Hollow.

Я знаю что такое любовь.

It's hard to believe that two years ago today I was in Kazan, Russia. I explored Russian Orthodox churches, visited the Qolşärif mosque, bought a kilo of dried apricots at an open market, secretly took pictures of metro art, and visited Tolstoy's alma mater.

February 14th, 2009, is one of my favorite memories. Several university students were celebrating St. Valentine's Day with balloons and candy, while encouraging passersby to sign their names to this poster in the square.

"Я знаю что такое любовь. да? нет?"

 

I know what love is. Yes? No?

да. Yes.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as a propitiation for our sins." - 1 John 4:10

"Love is patient and kind. Love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

when the period of warfare comes

"When the period of warfare comes, we are overwhelmed by thoughts and cares of all sorts. This is when we must turn to the Lord in our hearts and keep silence. If we cannot abandon the thought that is bothering us immediately then we must keep silence. We should not think about anything. It is not ours to think. The Lord knows what we can take and what we cannot. Then, when we are in silence and our mind is quiet, we should give it something to do so that it will not wander. We should pray. Let the mind pray from the heart. Thus, gradually we will become accustomed to prayer, and prayer will become a habit to us, just like any task that we learn to perform. Pray in this manner, without words, and when the Lord sees our endeavors, when He sees that we seek Him and wish to be with Him in all eternity, then He will give us strength, and the heart then will dwell in constant prayer. Then we will do our work while listening to the prayer in us."

- Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica from Our Thoughts Determine our Lives

than any terrible possible scenario

Thanks to my sis-in-law Tacy, who reminded me of how encouraging JJ Heller's music is. :)

"Save Me"

You tell me life will not be pain free
What will be will always be in Your control
Darkness is light to You
And all You ask me to do
Is trust what You say is true

You are stronger
Than any terrible possible scenario today
Come and save me
You're the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me

good and kind thoughts

"Our thoughts can be very penetrating, and they have great power...We can help others only if we have good and kind thoughts. If we have thoughts about correcting the faults of others, that is like hitting them. No matter how close a person is to us, he will slip away from us because we have dealt him a blow with our thoughts. And we believe that thoughts are nothing!"

- Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica from Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives

the choice-driven life

This is the story of a Linda Couri. She used to work for Planned Parenthood, and in this talk, she shares the story of how she became pro-life. This is a beautiful story of hope and grace.

Click here to listen.

the water sustains me

This is one of my new favorite songs, sung by the wonderfully British Johnny Flynn and Laura Marling. On every Friday afternoon, the Diomede school has music class at the end of the day for about a half hour. Willis played this song on his guitar, and we all tried to sing as best we could.  It's such a good Diomede song, and I think that for the rest of my life, every time I hear this song, I'll think of this little island.

 "The Water"

All that I have is a river
The river is always my home
Lord, take me away
For I just cannot stay
Or I'll sink in my skin and my bones

The water sustains me without even trying
The water can't drown me
I'm done with my dying

Please help me build a small boat
One that'll ride on the flow
Where the river runs deep
And the larger fish creep
I'm glad of what keeps me afloat

Now deeper the water I sail
And faster the current I'm in
That each night brings the stars
And the song in my heart
Is a tune for the journeyman's tale

Now the land that I knew is a dream
And the line on the distance grows faint
So wide is my river
The horizon a sliver
The artist has run out of paint

Where the blue of the sea meets the sky
And the big yellow sun leads me home
I'm everywhere now
The way is a vow
To the wind of each breath by and by

The water sustains me without even trying
The water can't drown me
I'm done with my dying

rejoice, oh unwedded bride

This is beautiful, and it makes me miss Russia.

we should keep silent.

When we are among a large number of people, say at our workplace, people often argue there, especially at large meetings.  It is always best to keep silent at large gatherings.  Let the others bring out their suggestions.  We should keep silent.  If you absolutely must say something, then say it so as not to offend anyone’s dignity.  It is better not to become involved.  Mind your own business and try to keep your peace.

- Elder Thaddeus of Vitovnica, Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives

again you sinned, again repent

“Tell me, Father, in what consists the major steps of spiritual life?” Answer:  “No one saves himself without humility.  Remember that until the end of your life you will be falling into sins, whether severe or slight.  You will get angry, you will be haughty, you will lie, you will be proud, you will hurt others, you will be greedy.  This very realization will keep you in humility.  What is there to boast about if every day you sin and you hurt your close ones?  But for each sin there is repentance.  So you sinned, you must repent, again you sinned, again repent, and so to the end.  If you keep on doing that you will never be despondent and gradually will come to a peaceful state.”

~Elder Michael of Valaam

silence is better

Silence is better.

i am a fire, and i must burn today

It's been awhile since I've discovered a musician as refreshing as AA Bondy.



AA Bondy, "I Can See the Pines Are Dancing"

neutrality

According to the Wikipedia entry for casseroles, "by the 1970s casseroles took on a less-than sophisticated image."

 

The neutrality of this Wikipedia article is clearly questionable. Adrienne is considering flagging it.

Thank You, Lena Davis.

I am thankful for the right to vote as a woman. Today I was thinking about my 101-year-old great-grandmother and her amazing story about voting. When women were finally allowed to vote, my great-grandmother was 11-years-old. Nanny remembers a woman named Lena Davis who lived in her hometown of Vasper, Tennessee. This remarkable woman stole a ballot by stuffing it in "her bosom" (Nanny's words) and took it to all the women in the town. She showed them how to mark the ballot so that they wouldn't be afraid of voting. In fact, she went to my great-great-grandmother, Carrie Elizabeth Prater Adams, whom my grandmother and sister are named for, and asked if she was going to vote. Carrie said she would if she knew how, so Lena pulled it out and showed her how to mark the ballot. Lena then took Carrie to the Mason lodge which was on the second floor of the country post office. Nanny said that when it was time for lunch, a Republican and a Democrat took the ballot box to the Adams' house, and one of the men put his foot on the ballot box during the meal so that it couldn't be tampered with. It was the talk of the whole town -- that women could finally vote.


I am thankful for women like Lena Davis, who may never be featured in a history book or have memorials in their honor. Though they may be forgotten, their effects are still present; Lena Davis' legacy has lived on. Voting has always been important in my family, and I am happy to know that my great-great-grandmother was the first woman of our family to vote.

that your labors may not be in vain

Bear no ill-will towards another man, that your labors may not be in vain; purify your heart towards all men, that you may see in yourself the peace of God... - Abba Isaiah

upon those in the tombs, bestowing life

Oh, how timely it was for me to read this!

"Have you ever been or are you now caught in some sin or old habit or old way of thinking from which you have not yet escaped? Some anxiety or troubling behavior? ...[T]hese troubles can feel like tombs. They are things into which we have fallen, and we have never been able to pry the door loose. There are all sorts of tombs into which a person can fall long before we are physically dead. During the Lenten season, for example, many Christians pray a prayer that mentions four such tombs. 'Oh Lord and Master of my life, take from me the spirit of sloth, despair, lust of power, and idle talk.'

...Especially in our day and age, tombs are everywhere. Substance addiction, behavioral addiction, a desperate need for approval, a feeling of never doing enough, a fixation on the shape of one’s body, lack of self-discipline, money troubles, lustful thoughts or actions, eating disorders, lingering resentments, judging others, feeling judged, excessive internet usage, peer pressure, an irritable spirit, a lingering illness, and the list goes on. Every one of these is a tomb that drains the life out of us....For us, our own tomb is any crippling behavior over which we feel powerless...


There is a song, quite popular in Orthodox churches this time of year, springtime. “Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death by death, and upon those in the tombs, bestowing life.” There is a hope that flows from the resurrection of Christ and that hope pours as much into the tombs in which we have fallen now as it does into the tombs in which we will be placed within after our last bodily breath. When we sing this hopeful song, we have in mind not only the graves then that swallow the dead, but the tombs now that swallow the living. Imagine: Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death-by-death and upon those in the tombs of laziness, upon those in the tombs of craving approval, upon those in the tombs of depression, of physical pain, of anger toward God, of 'fill in the blank.' Upon those in these tombs bestowing life. The hope of resurrection is as much present as it is future, as much now as it is then...


From this hopeful truth flow key questions asked by that face in the mirror. What are your tombs? What are the sins, behaviors, habits that are draining the life out of you? Can you name them? Can you admit that the temptations are stronger than your own strength to resist them? Can you refuse to lay blame for them on anyone or anywhere but yourself? Do you trust God to raise you, finally, from the deadness of these tombs? Are you willing to cooperate with him, to do your part to be delivered, to do your own soul work? Can you imagine a day when you love freedom more than you love what is keeping you from being free?...

What a hopeful truth. Sin disfigures a person, but grace makes him beautiful. Sin disfigures a person, but grace makes her beautiful. Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death-by-death and upon wherever you feel most lost in your life right now, there, bestowing love."

- Fr. John Oliver, from the Hearts and Minds podcast

You can listen to the full podcast here. I highly recommend it.

Inspired Bicycles

dinner conversation in the Kennedy household

"Some people look at creamed corn and ask why. I look at creamed corn and ask why not."

"Ask not if someone can pass the salt and pepper to you. Ask if you can pass the salt and pepper to someone."

- Brian Regan

the energy of loneliness

"But I believe that loneliness is something essential to human nature; it can only be covered over, it can never actually go away. Loneliness is part of being human, because there is nothing in existence that can completely fulfill the needs of the human heart...Loneliness is the fundamental force that urges mystics to a deeper union with God. For such people, loneliness has become intolerable but, instead of slipping into apathy or anger, they use the energy of loneliness to seek God. It pushes them towards the absolute."

- Jean Vanier, Becoming Human

Toccoa Falls, one of Georgia's beauties

truth is everywhere

Truth is everywhere, but it is often covered in slime.

[St. Nicodemus of the Holy Mountain]

when love and duty are one, then grace is in you

I recently finished The Painted Veil by W. Somerset Maugham, published in the 20s. I enjoyed the book because of how the main character, Kitty Fane, changes through the story. A selfish, unfaithful wife, Kitty is taken to rural China where her husband is researching a cholera epidemic and trying to find ways to save the people there. She begins to help at the orphanage there, and through the love of the nuns and orphans, she is changed and begins to see the world in a different light. The book overall isn't very quotable, but there are a few lines that are very beautiful. Here below are some quotes from the book, most of them by the character of the Mother Superior.

Side Note: If you have seen the movie, it is very different than the book. Just FYI.

--------------------------------
"'It is a great misfortune to have a heart,' said Kitty, with a smile.
'It is a great good fortune to consecrate that heart to the love of Jesus Christ, [said Mother Superior].'"

"There is only one way to win hearts and that is to make oneself like unto those of whom one would be loved." - Mother Superior

"Remember that it is nothing to do your duty, that is demanded of you and is no more meritorious than to wash your hands when they are dirty; the only thing that counts is the love of duty; when love and duty are one, then grace is in you and you will enjoy a happiness which passes all understanding." - Mother Superior

from The Painted Veil by W. Somerset Maugham

an opportunity of a lifetime

Ruth-Anne: You bought me a grave for my birthday?
Ed: Do you like it?
Ruth-Anne: Yes, I do. It's a beautiful spot, Ed. A great place to spend eternity.
Ed: They'll dig your hole here. You'll have a great view of the mountain.

Ruth-Anne: What should we do now?
Ed: Now? What do you mean?
Ruth-Anne: You know what I'd like to do? Dance.

Ed: Dance? Where?
Ruth-Anne: Here. On my grave. It's an opportunity of a lifetime, wouldn't you say?

[from Northern Exposure, episode "A Hunting We Will Go"]

do you love Jesus?

Yesterday at the store, I saw an old babushka hobbling with a shopping buggy up and down the aisle. She had a Soviet-style scarf, the one that is the symbol of old Russia. I went up to her and asked if she was from Russia. She had the biggest smile on her face, and she said yes. I told her that I lived in Russia for four months. She asked, "Motter, Fotter?" I told her that they were not from Russia. Then she said clear as a bell, "Do you love Jesus?" I told her yes, and she smiled. Then, she asked in Russian what what my name was, but I did not understand her. Then she just said, "Name, name." I told her, and then I asked her what her name was. "Tania." I told her I was happy to meet her. She smiled yet again, and then we both finished our shopping.

Cheesefare Sunday, or Forgiveness Sunday

Orthodoxy celebrates the Day of Forgiveness today which is sometimes called Cheesefare Sunday. It is the Sunday before Great Lent begins.

When I was in Russia, the parking lot guard asked me and Cathy, the woman with whom I was staying, to forgive him. It was the most random thing I had ever experienced since I had never spoken to the man. We asked him to forgive us too, and his smile was so big after that. Here are so me questions and answers about Cheesefare Sunday.

QUESTION 1: Why Is Forgiveness Sunday so-called?

St. Tikhon [of Moscow] answers this question quite well:

"Today is called 'Forgiveness Sunday.' It received this name from the pious Orthodox Christian custom at Vespers of asking each other’s forgiveness for discourtesy and disrespect. We do so, since in the forthcoming fast we will approach the sacrament of Penance and ask the Lord to forgive our sins, which forgiveness will be granted us only if we ourselves forgive each other. 'If ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.' (Matt. 6.14, 15)" (From a sermon by St. Patriarch Tikhon, when he was Bishop of Alaska and the Aleutian Islands, 1901. Text taken from email posted to an Orthodox mailing list)

QUESTION 2: What event is commemorated on Forgiveness Sunday?

On the last Sunday before Great Lent begins, we remember the expulsion of Adam and Eve from paradise.

"Adam was banished from Paradise through disobedience / and cast out from delight, / beguiled by the words of a woman. / Naked he sat outside the garden, lamenting ‘Woe is me!’ / Therefore let us all make haste to accept the season of the Fast / and hearken to the teaching of the Gospel, / that we may gain Christ’s mercy // and receive once more a dwelling-place in Paradise." (Sticheron from Lord I have cried, 6th tone, Forgiveness Sunday)

QUESTION 3: The last weekend before Great Lent is the last time we do several things. Can you think of three things that are not done again until after Great Lent (or even well after Pascha)?

Forgiveness Sunday is the last day in which we eat milk, cheese, eggs and other dairy products until Pascha.

It is also the last Sunday we will serve St. John Chrysostom’s liturgy until Palm Sunday (which, by the way, is not considered to be in Great Lent). During the holy fast, St Basil’s liturgy is served on Sundays.

The matins service for this weekend is the last time the theologically rich and compunctionate singing of "By the Waters of Babylon" psalm until next year. It is only sung in church the three Sundays that precede Great Lent.

QUESTION 4: Fasting is discussed in the services on Forgiveness Sunday, and all the days of Great Lent. What *most important* kind of fasting is stressed over and over?

The services of the church and the fathers stress over and over that our physical fast from food is useless if we do not also strive to "fast" from our iniquities. Fasting from food is an important aid to the help purify the soul, and to gain in virtue.

"The season of the virtues now has come / and the Judge is at the door. / Let us not hold back with darkened face, / but let us keep the Fast, / offering tears, contrition and almsgiving; / and let us cry: / ‘Our sins are more in number than the sand of the sea; / but, Deliverer of all, forgive each one of us, // that we may receive an incorruptible crown.’" (Sessional Hymns after the 1st Psalter Reading)

"The arena of the virtues has been opened. / Let all who wish to struggle for the prize now enter, / girding themselves for the noble contest of the Fast; / for those that strive lawfully are justly crowned. / Taking up the armor of the Cross, / let us make war against the enemy. / Let us have as our invincible rampart the Faith, / prayer as our breastplate, and as our helmet almsgiving; / and as our sword / let us use fasting that cuts away all evil from our heart. / If we do this, we shall receive the true crown // from Christ the King of all at the Day of Judgment." (Praises)

"Adam was driven out of Paradise, / because in disobedience he had eaten food; / but Moses was granted the vision of God, / because he had cleansed the eyes of his soul by fasting. / If then we long to dwell in Paradise, / let us abstain from all needless food; / and if we desire to see God, / let us like Moses fast for forty days. / With sincerity let us persevere in prayer and intercession; / let us still the passions of our soul; / let us subdue the rebellious instincts of the flesh. / With light step let us set out upon the path to heaven, / where the choirs of angels with never-silent voice / sing the praises of the undivided Trinity; / and there we shall behold the surpassing beauty of the Master. / O Son of God, Giver of Life, / in Thee we set our hope: / count us worthy of a place there with the angelic hosts, / at the intercessions of the Mother who bore Thee, O Christ, / of the apostles and the martyrs // and of all the saints.’" (Praises)

QUESTION 5: What is commemorated next Sunday (the first Sunday of Great Lent)?

On the first Sunday of Great Lent we celebrate the "Triumph of Orthodoxy."

QUESTION 6: What is the fasting typicon for next week, and all the days in the Lenten season?

During all of Great Lent, we eat no animal products (with one exception). We abstain from all flesh meat, fish, milk, cheese and other milk products, eggs, olive oil, wine and hard liquor on all weekdays (Monday through and including Friday). On the weekend (Saturday and Sunday), the fast is relaxed a little. We can have olive oil or wine if we wish. On Annunciation, fish is allowed, since this is such a joyful feast of the Mother of God.

QUESTION 7: During Great Lent, we sing the long and rich canon of St. Andrew of Crete. When and in which services?

The first four evenings of Great Lent (Clean Monday through Clean Thursday), we serve Great Compline, and a portion of the Great Canon of St. Andrew of Crete. During Matins for the 5th Thursday of Great Lent, (usually served Wednesday evening), we read the life of St. Mary of Egypt, and chant the Great Canon in its entirety.

QUESTION 8: Describe the dialogue in the Great Canon. Who is speaking? Who is being spoken to?

The Great Canon is a one way dialogue of St. Andrew speaking to his soul. We would do well to put ourselves in his place when the canon is being chanted.

QUESTION 9: Describe in general terms the content of the Great Canon.

The Great canon is a dialogue between St. Andrew of Crete and his soul. He brings to bear many examples of the righteous and the unrighteous from the Old and New Testaments in order to show himself good and bad examples, make himself ashamed of his sins, and spur himself to repentance. There is also significant mystical theology and typology that the saint elucidates in the midst of his lamentations.

QUESTION 10: What are the essential virtues that are a necessity for salvation that shine forth brightly in the words of the Great Canon?

The Great canon speaks continually of these two virtues: Humility, and with it, self-knowledge, and with these two, hope in God, because of knowledge of WHO HE IS.

This was written by Fr. Seraphim Holland of St. Nicholas Church in McKinney, TX.

Check out more at these links below...

Questions on Forgiveness Sunday

and

Redeeming the Time source

and for more articles about Lent... go here.

stringalingdingdingding

I was watching the Noggin Channel with my nephew, and one of their music breaks came on. The guy's name was "Dr. Stringz," and I was thinking, "This guy is SO talented! He plays the violin, the guitar, and the mandolin, and he has a fantastic voice." Then at the end...I discovered, it was Andrew Bird!

I love it!

View of Sea Otter Island from Saint Paul Island, Alaska

say to God first

"If you have a child with a reactionary character, whatever you want to say to him, say to God first. Kneel before God and through the grace of God, your words will be conveyed to your child... Another child may listen to what you say, but though he hears he easily forgets. Therefore, you will kneel and ask for God's grace again, so that your fatherly words will fall upon good soil and bear fruit.... Don't pressure your children. Whatever you want to say to them, say it with your prayers. Children don't listen with their ears. They'll only listen to what we want to tell them when divine grace appears and enlightens them. When you want to say something to your child, say it to the Panagia instead and she will do all the work. Your prayer will become a spiritual hug, which embraces your children and captivates them."

- Father Porphyrios of Athens, from Road to Emmaus (an Orthodox journal)

bear patiently

"Until God ordains otherwise, a man ought to bear patiently whatever he cannot correct in himself and in others. Consider it better thus--perhaps to try your patience and to test you, for without such patience and trial your merits are of little account. Nevertheless, under such difficulties you should pray that God will consent to help you bear them calmly. If, after being admonished once or twice, a person does not amend, do not argue with him but commit the whole matter to God that His will and honor may be furthered in all His servants, for God knows well how to turn evil to good. Try to bear patiently with the defects and infirmities of others, whatever they may be, because you also have many a fault which others must endure...."

[Thomas a Kempis, The Imitation of Christ]

two kids and a moose

Artyom: You still want to teach in Alaska?

Me: Yes.
Artyom: So you can teach two kids and a moose?

Me: Yep.

mining for light

I'm still mining for light in dark wells

I'm still tuned to an instrument of greater and unknown designs
I'm still looking for direction, some kind of sign

[Great Lake Swimmers, "Still"]

GREAT LAKE SWIMMERS: TAKE A PHOTO, IT WILL LAST LONGER from BABYSWEET SESSIONS on Vimeo.

chayuux̂tan

There are 17,000 Aleut people in the U.S. and 700 in Russia. The Aleut language is Unangam Tunuu. Only about 150 people in the world speak it anymore. The Aleutian Pribilof Islands Association posts a "word of the week" on their Website along with audio and text.

My favorite word:

Chayuutx̂tan.

Meaning:

Let's drink tea.

If you listen to the audio, you can hear "chai" which is the Russian word for tea.

Listen here.

St. Paul Island, Alaska

I am applying to teach on this island. :)

i still fear god's plan

"Everyone has had the sense of my own belly laugh

That's the heaven here at hand that does not grow old."

[Bonnie "Prince" Billy, "You Can't Hurt Me Now"]

one by one

some things you do for money

some things you do for fun

but the things you do for love

are gonna come back to you one by one

love, love is gonna lead you by the hand

into a white and soundless place

now we see this

as in a mirror dimly

then we shall see each other face to face

- The Mountain Goats, "Love, Love, Love"

Take pleasure as it comes. Take work as it comes.

"At the end of this job the next would begin. Therefore, be patient. Such pleasure as there is, is here, now. Take pleasure as it comes. Take work as it comes. The end may never come, or when it does it may be the wrong end." - Wendell Berry, from "A Native Hill"

it's the little things

I found a video that I took on my camera while I was in Russia. I forgot I had taken it! I wanted to show my family what the sound was like entering into my apartment building and what "key" (silver round thing) I used to get in everyday. Here it is:

conversations with nanny

Right before I left for Russia, I said to my great-grandmother, "Nanny, what do you want me to bring you back from Russia?" And she said, "Wail, I don't really know wha'r I'm gonna be when you git back." I thought that she was talking about going to be with the Lord. In fact, one of my fears when I went to Russia was that Nanny would pass away while I was there and that I wouldn't be able to go to the funeral. I said to Nanny, "Well, I'll be back in May." And she said, "Oh! Well, I'll see you at my bairthday party then!" She turned 100 in May. She's so funny, and I love her.

I was talking to Nanny tonight about tatting and how I'd think it'd be cool to be able to tat. And she told me the story of her wedding dress. She said, "My mother said to me one day, 'Go git m'wedding dress, rip it up, and I'll make you yours.' And so, I got 'er dress, and she made it up, and I whare that weddin' dress, and Grace whare that weddin' dress." Grace was her sister, my great-aunt.

I love Nanny. She is so down-to-earth, practical, and easy-going. And I like it that she doesn't think you should keep your wedding dress in a closet the rest of your life. It's just a dress. And I think it's cool that my great-great grandmother was resourceful and wise in that aspect. I asked Nanny where her dress was now, and she said, "Well, I don't really know."

un-Irish music in Ireland

Of course, Charles would play the guitar in the Dublin airport! :) Good stuff.

But ah...will they remember?

Was it a cold awakening Christmas morning?
In a wooden trough,
In spite of straw and swaddling clothes and angel songs?
That was not to be the last time you'd be laid upon the wood
(There were Herods, Judases from the start
Among the stars and shepherds).
And did they smile, those simple folk,
And kiss your tiny hands and weep delight?
They'd touch those hands again someday,
Believing you through cracks and scars.
Then oh! the million Christmas mornings
When you'd lie, a babe again,
Beneath a million million trees
And hear the countless tongues chanting your name.
And oh! the white snow on black shingles
Where icy crystals capture windows
And fires glow and mistletoe is wreathed and strung.
But ah...will they remember crimson
Dripping from the iron nails
And will they pray and will they know
A whiter white than
Snow?

- Keith Patman, "Snow"

I do not know what to ask of You

O Lord, I do not know what to ask of You.
You alone know my true needs.
You love me more than I myself know how to love.
Help me to see my real needs which are concealed from me.
I do not dare to ask either for a cross or for consolation.
I can only wait on You. My heart is open to You.
Visit me and help me; cast me down and raise me up.
I worship in silence Your holy will and Your unsearchable ways.
I offer myself as a sacrifice to You.
I have no desire than to fulfill Your will.
Teach me to pray. Pray, You Yourself in me. Amen.

- St. Philaret of Moscow

Poland's best skiier

The cutest/sweetest song ever! Catchy too. It has a classic sound to it. Sigh. His voice is from another era or something. Apparently, this guy, Andrzej Bachleda, is Poland's best skiier...who is unbelievable at music too...! Unfortunately, I can't find any place online that sells his album...



Andrzej Bachleda, "Time Ruines"

silent as my shadow

"I wish to be loyal, discreet, and silent as my shadow."

[Dom Helder Camara, Archibishop of Olinda and Recife, Brazil]

oh, undeserved sweetness and light

oh, undeserved sweetness and light,
stay by my side.
we will go out in the morning now,
a crown of maple leaves, a crown of flowers

- The Innocence Mission, "Happy Birthday"

I do not wish to be pale pink

And I do not want to be a rose,
I do not wish to be pale pink,
but flower scarlet, flower gold,
And have no thorns to distance me,
But be bright
bright
bright
bright as yellow
warm as yellow

- The Innocence Mission, "Bright As Yellow" (watch & listen here)

what is low and despised

Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it please God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men. For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."

Paul / I Corinthians 1:20-31

And now I'll eat his flesh

I'm being asked to drink the blood of Christ
And now I'll eat his flesh
I'm alone before the altar
Shedding all my old regrets

- Johnny Flynn, "The Wrote & the Writ"

Why don't we share our solitude?

Nothing is pure anymore but solitude.

Mew, "Comforting Sounds"

"Ochi Chernye, I have no mon-ya for my hon-ya which is no fun-ya."

Yesterday my grandpa was singing a Russian song called "Ochi Chernye" which means "Dark Eyes." The other day he was lifting weights to Tchaikovsky's organ music.

I think he has very good taste in music.

Grandpa made some new lyrics to "Ochi Chernye" though.

"Ochi Chernye, I have no mon-ya for my hon-ya which is no fun-ya...Ochi Chernye..."

I got my smile, and it's my smile.

I love her strong, solid face and her strong, solid voice.



"Ain't Got No / I Got Life" performed in Harlem, 1969

I got life, I've got life's
I've got headaches
And toothaches
And bad times too
Like you - Nina Simone

Educated for the skies.

"Think of God working in the solitary things, for the grass does not merely grow around our populous cities, and where men take care of it, but up there on the side of the bleak Alp, where no traveller has ever passed. Where only the eye of the wild bird has beheld their lonely verdure, the moss and the grass come to perfection, and display all their beauty, for God's works are fair to other eyes than those of mortals. And you, solitary child of God, dwelling far away from any friend, unknown and obscure, in a remote hamlet; or you in the midst of London, hiding away in your little garret, unknown to fame, and forsaken by friendship, you are not forgotten by the love of heaven. He maketh the grass to grow all alone, and shall not he make you flourish in loneliness? He can bring forth your graces, and educate you for the skies, in solitude and neglect."

- Charles Spurgeon, "Solitary Saints"

Wise Advice from a Good Friend

Wise Advice from a Good Friend:

"Don't let [Satan] steal your anticipation to see what God is going to do, or where you will eventually 'find' God. Keep asking God where he is, in the sense that he wants to lead you somewhere, not in the sense that he is not with you." - Dori

"Let me clarify the word 'postmodernism.' Evangelicals throw that word around a lot. Basically, it is used in the sense that 'If you don't agree with me, you're a postmodernist.'" - Prof. Vena (paraphrased)

Turn within.

I was looking through my Moleskine book and stumbled upon my notes from Sunday School.

"Never forget that you're a child. Turn within to Jesus Christ. Our life is hidden in Christ, so look within your heart. Be available to God. Give your heart to God moment by moment. Remember you're a child. Our minds are full of thoughts, and sometimes the spiritual part of our lives is diminished in our thoughts. We are to pray without ceasing, but this means to be available to God's grace, being available to say, 'God, I can't do this.' There is to be a deeper experience of Christ at hand NO matter what your circumstances. God requires your heart above all else. Endless discussion breeds confusion. All you need is to turn to Jesus within you."

"Just as you couldn't contribute to your initial salvation, so you cannot now. Jesus would have us use our past sins as a basis for humility. Don't look at others as 2nd-rate; you yourself are 2nd-rate. There but for the grace of God go I. Take forgiveness seriously. He is there to forgive you. So, in your failures, Christ is preparing us for future tests in which we will be faithful."

"Don't look to your own resources. In His mercy, He tells us we are nothing. Be unmixed. In the fire, there is life in Christ. All good things are eternal. The fire is God's mercy. God understands the tension; he knows our tension. He is shaping me in my pain. Pain is a vessel. God is bringing pain in to make us pure and unmixed. After the fire what remains is eternal."

"Why is it thought incredible by any of you that God raises the dead?"

- Paul, from Acts 26:8

Christ bearing the cross.

Christ Bearing the Cross, with a Dominican Friar by Barna da Siena

Forward into light.

Look how pretty it is.
The sun shines down
Trying to make the yellow
Warm and bright;
The trees cover it
So gently and kindly;
I feel like sitting on the rusty porch swing
swaying backward into shade
and forward into light.

Morning Star, so radiant and holy,
Shine on me in my great hour of need
Jesus Christ, so beautiful and lovely,
Shine over me.

- Don Peris

Salt.

Last night we all gasped
As we came out of the professor's house.
His porch light had gone out,
And the sky was so brightly lit with stars.
We all didn't know what to say,
But we laughed into the sky.
We saw that salt had been poured
Out on a black table cloth.
And we climbed into the car.

Eudora Welty as photographer

photograph by Eudora Welty

I'm 21!

A very happy birthday. So far I've received a lovely bouquet of flowers and a lovely cup of hot tea.

Sammy Davis Jr. in Wonderland

My favorite memory of my papaw is Alice in Wonderland. He had a version of the movie recorded from television that he would let my siblings and I watch when we went over to his house. I've been reading Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland and Alice Through the Looking-Glass, and several vivid images have popped up in my mind. I remember this movie that my papaw had. This put me to a search, and I found the movie on Amazon. Needless to say, I bought it immediately. This version of Alice in Wonderland was made in 1985. Several famous people were in it:

Scott Baio (as Pat the Guinea Pig)
Red Buttons (as White Rabbit)
Sid Caesar (as Gryphon)
Sammy Davis Jr. (as Caterpillar)
Roddy McDowell (as March Hare)
Jayne Meadows (as Queen of Hearts)
Robert Morley (as King of Hearts)
Anthony Newley (as the Mad Hatter)
Donald O'Connor (as Lory Bird -- my favorite)
Ringo Starr (as the Mock Turtle)
Shelley Winters (as the Dodo Bird)
Ernest Borgnine (as the Lion)
Patrick Duffy (as the Goat)
Merv Griffin (as the Conductor)
Pat Morita [yes, as in the one from Karate Kid] (as the Horse)
John Stamos [yes, as in Uncle Jesse] (as the Messenger)
Sally Struthers (as in Tiger-Lily)

Anyway, I am sooo excited about this movie. Here is a clip of Sammy Davis Jr. as the Caterpillar. So good!

"One toot on this whistle will send you to a far away land..."

We found our old school Nintendo in the attic. It still works. Best Christmas present ever.

Lo, how a rose e're blooming

Lo, how a rose e're blooming
From tender stem hath sprung
Of Jesse's lineage coming
As those of old have sung

It came, a flower bright
Amid the cold of winter
When half-spent was the night

Isaiah twice foretold it
The rose I have in mind
And so then we behold it
The Virgin Mother kind

To show God's love aright
She bore to us a Savior
When half-spent was the night

- 15th century German carol

Sufjan Stevens - Lo, How a Rose E're Blooming (mp3)

I prefer winter.

Pennsylvania Landscape, 1941 by Andrew Wyeth

I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape -- the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter. Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn't show." - Andrew Wyeth

You do not know what is before you.

Young Christian, you do not know what is before you. There is the goodly land, and it is all yours. Do not imagine that you are always to be a babe. You shall grow and become a man, yea, a father, I hope, in Israel. Imagine not that you are always to be that little green blade which is peeping up out of the cold sod; you shall be one day the corn in the ear: yea, you shall one day be the golden corn which bends its head through its ripeness, and the glad harvest-homes shall be shouted over you. You shall not always be weak, and feeble, and afraid to come near. Oh! you would not know yourself if you could see what you will be! The songs you are yet to sing, the grapes of Eshcol you are yet to pluck, the fair days of joy that you are yet to spend, the banquetings and feastings, the real enjoyments which you are yet to know this side of the grave, might well make you happy if you could but foretaste them. You shall go forth. Only get Christ, and there is no end to your happiness. Get him, like a sun, and your light shall never be put out.

- Charles Spurgeon

Oh! Dass wat dat mean!

My Christmas present to Amber was Da Jesus Book. It's the New Testament translated in Hawaiian Pidgin. Really, it's absolutely fascinating.

Here are some goodies from Da Jesus Book:

"God wen get so plenny love an aloha fo da peopo inside da world, dat he wen send me, his one an ony Boy, so dat everybody dat trus me no get cut off from God, but get da real kine life dat stay to da max foeva." - John 3:16

"So den, God no goin punish da peopo dat stay tight wit Jesus Christ! Cuz get two tings dat stay fo real: First ting, if you stick wit God's Spirit, he goin make you come alive fo real kine an make you stay tight wit Jesus Christ, God's Spirit cut you loose from da bad kine stuff." Fo Da Rome Peopo 8:1-2

"No get love fo da bad kine stuff dat stay inside dis world. If anybody get love fo dis world, den dey no mo love fo da Fadda. You know, all da bad kine stuff dat stay inside dis world, da kine da peopo like get real bad ony fo make demself feel good, da kine stuff dey like look at an get ony fo demself, an da kine stuff dey get dat let um make big show, all dad no come from da Fadda, but from dis world. Dis world an all da stuff da peopo like get, dat goin all pau. But da guy dat do wat God like him fo do, he goin live fo real kine foeva." Numba 1 from John 2:15-17

---

Some reviews of the Da Jesus Book:

"I like dis Bible. I can undastan!" - high school student, Nanakuli

"Oh! Dass what dat mean!" - Leeward Coast churchgoer in Bible study

More joy in heaven.

Tory Island by Martine Franck

I will have more joy in heaven and in the contemplation of God, if you are also there to share it with me. - Thomas Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation

f y knw th cnsnts, y cn gss th vwls.

l(a... (a leaf falls on loneliness)

Dori came to town, and we talked about this poem by ee cummings.

l(a

le
af
fa
ll

s)
one
l
iness

Küssen Verboten = Kissing Forbidden.

Man, oh man! I found this video on YouTube, and it brings back my high school German class days! I love German. This band is crazy, by the way. Their name is Die Prinzen which means the Princes. Watch the video for some laughs.

Roses are scentless, hopeless are the morns,
Rest is but weakness, laughter crackling thorns,
If thou, the Truth, do not make them true;
Thou art my life, O Christ, and nothing else will do.

- George MacDonald, "February 4th"

Figure of Grief, from the Tomb of Pierre Gareau by Francois Dominique Aime Milhomme

The wounded hands, the weary human face.

Christ Bearing the Cross, with Dominican Friar by Barna da Siena

Come down, O Christ, and help me! Reach thy hand
For I am drowning in a stormier sea
Than Simon on thy lake of Galilee:
The wine of life is split upon the sand,
My heart is as some famine-murdered land
When all good things have perished utterly,
And well I know my soul in Hell must lie
If I this night before God's throne should stand.
"He sleeps, perchance, or rideth to the chase,
Like Baal, when his prophets howled the name
From morn till noon on Carmel's smitten height."
Nay, peace, I shall behold before the night,
The feet of brass, the robe more white than flame,
The wounded hands, the weary human face.

-- Oscar Wilde, E Tenebris

Sufjan + the Innocence Mission =

Sufjan Stevens covers The Innocence Mission's song "The Lakes of Canada." The IM happens to be one of my favorite bands, and Sufjan Stevens happens to be one of my favorites as well. Thus, this combination is heavenly in my opinion.

Moreover, "The Lakes of Canada" has such rich and hopeful lyrics with vivid imagery. I love the image of joy being like a fish, a sudden light. How many times this song has given me comfort.



Look for me another day.
I feel that I could change,
I feel that I could change.
There's a sudden joy that's like
A fish, a moving light;
I thought I saw it
Rowing on the lakes of Canada.

Oh, laughing man, what have you won?
Don't tell me what cannot be done.
My little mouth, my winter lungs,
Don't tell me want cannot be done.
Walking in a circle of a flashlight
Someone starts to sing, to join in.

Talk of loneliness in quiet voices
I am shy, but you can reach me,
Rowing on the lakes of Canada
Rowing on the lakes of Canada. - The Innocence Mission

Listen to the original here, and then go support the IM by buying their albums.

The Innocence Mission - Lakes of Canada (mp3)

When I am afraid,
I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise,
In God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me?

Psalm 56:3-4

Language...

At the End of the Porch by John J. Sharman

"Language...has created the word 'loneliness' to to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." - Paul Tillich

"I think the choir is getting ready to let it rip."

This morning my great-grandmother, Elmo Rutherford, was baptized at the age of 98. She has been a Christian since she was a little girl and was baptized, but she felt she did not really understand what it meant to be baptized. Thus, she chose to be baptized again. At age 98. This made her very happy.

After the sermon, the baptism, and lunch at Cracker Barrel, we went to Nanny's front porch. Nanny wanted to sit on the steps because she didn't want anyone to get up from the front porch swing or chairs on her behalf.

This is Nanny and my great-aunt Mickey, whose real name is Kazue (Kah-zoo-way).

This is Cheyenne. She is five and a half. The half is very important, mind you.

This is Jasper. He is seven and three-quarters. The three-quarters is very important, mind you.

When I was little, my uncle would take us to this creek and bridge near Nanny's house. I felt very old taking Jasper and Cheyenne there today, but it made me so happy to carry on the tradition. Every grandchild and great-grandchild of Nanny's has always gone to "the bridge."I love this abandoned building. If it were ever restored, I think I'd cry. It's been like this for as long as I can remember. It needs to stay abandoned. There is something very nostalgic and poignant about an abandoned building. I'm not sure why.





"Why aren't you taking a picture of me? Take a picture of me!"




I told them to a make a normal smile. These are not their normal smiles.

I love this bridge. I hope it always stays rusted and shaky.

On anxiety.

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom. - Søren Kierkegaard

Anxiety is the handmaiden to creativity. - T.S. Eliot

He's a bandit and a heart breaker / Oh, but Jesus was a cross maker

I heard the thunder come rumblin'
The light never looked so dim
I see the junction git nearer'
And danger is in the wind
And either road's lookin' grim

Hidin' me, I flee, desire dividin' me
He's a bandit and a heart breaker
Oh, but Jesus was a cross maker
Yes, Jesus was a cross maker
Sweet silver angels over the sea
Please come down flyin' low for me - Judee Sill

Judee Sill - Jesus Was A Cross Maker (MP3)

Greater than Moses, turn and look once more and smite a rock.

"Good Friday" by Christina Rossetti

  Am I a stone and not a sheep
    That I can stand, O Christ, beneath Thy Cross,
    To number drop by drop Thy Blood's slow loss,
  And yet not weep?

  Not so those women loved
    Who with exceeding grief lamented Thee;
    Not so fallen Peter weeping bitterly;
  Not so the thief was moved;

  Not so the Sun and Moon
    Which hid their faces in a starless sky,
    A horror of great darkness at broad noon,--
  I, only I.

  Yet give not o'er,
    But seek Thy sheep, true Shepherd of the flock;
  Greater than Moses, turn and look once more
    And smite a rock.